Monday, 28 September 2009

Superheroes On The Job

If you're anything like me then you've spent a great deal of time wondering about the toilet habits of superheroes. I've often thought that there should be more of this sort of thing shown in comics. The moments we spend in the thunder box are among our most personal and private. It's the one place where we are at our most vulnerable. I don't know about you but I would find it a lot easier to identify with these characters if it were made clear that occasionally they had to snip off a length of dirty spine.

The question is however, do they even need too? Well, let's take a look at a few examples...

1) Superman.

As we all know, Superman gets his powers from Earth's yellow sun. He soaks it up like a big blue battery. You may think that would be all the nourishment he needs but he tells Lois in the 1978 movie that he eats "when he's hungry." So he must need to crap right? Wrong! Now, you'll have to trust me on this as I can't for the life of me recall where I read it originally, but apparently John Byrne established that Superman's body processes everything he ingests 100% efficiently with no waste. No wonder Superman can fly around saving people and still find time to hold down his job at the Daily Planet. Imagine if you never had to poop. Imagine how much more you'd accomplish in a day. He probably never even has to use his super-speed.

2) Martian Manhunter

He's a Martian shapeshifter who eats Oreos. He probably defecates in some horrible alien way that would seem disgusting to our delicate human sensibilities. And his only weakness is fire, he couldn't even light a match when he's done.

3) Aquaman

He lives underwater. There's no getting around the fact that he probably just goes in his costume, at least for number ones. Which begs the question, does Aquaman smell of wee? As for number twos, to my knowledge it's never been established to what degree the Atlantean digestive system differs from our own. And where exactly do the drains in Atlantis lead? We throw all our crap down there, maybe they throw theirs up here?

4) Batman

No super powers here so he needs to sit on the porcelain throne just like the rest of us. So what does he do if Aslan's on the move while he's chasing the Joker across the Gotham rooftops? Well, he's probably as regular as clockwork so he goes before and after his nightly patrol. He's Batman, we can assume that he's had his Weetabix. Also he's probably learned all sorts of weird Tibetan meditation techniques so he can go days without heeding nature's call. I'd like to throw something else out there too, something controversial. We know he's driven, we know he's dedicated, we know he's prepared for everything and we know that the Bat-suit has no apparent fly. Dare I suggest...he's wearing a Bat-Nappy?

An intriguing topic I'm sure you'll agree. The smallest room in Justice League Headquarters is one that I'll be visiting again I think.

1 comment:

  1. How does ClayFace know when to stop wiping?

    ReplyDelete

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